Bipolar Diary

This is a day by day Journal of a Bipolar Man

I realy want to have it out there as to what I am going through and feeling. I go for such long periods of times where it it such a struggle to complete the most elementry things. I haven’t said, but I have been without a shrink for almost 7 years. That is not a good thing. I have done so many stupid things that may have not occured, and at this monment I am able to be relective on the trouble I have experienced in the past. It is as if I am having a period of awakening, no . . . that is exactly what I am having at the moment, a moment of awakening. The demons are not pounding on me with the furry that is all but my life, So ongoing sh……….. is I continue to self medicate with some really bad stuff and I keep that company with alcohol and too boot I down daily 2000 mg of Depakote which is at the lower end of the scale of theraputic, my GP shows me my labs and his is the one who prescribes all of the meds.

One of the things that many of us would find hard to deny is the paranoia that wracks us, the Bipolar. It all but destroyed me 2 years ago and the wash back of that is rearing it’s ugly head today . . . . I think.

It is just so hard to focus, there are things that really need my attention and I am suffering enormously from a financial catastrophe which keeps me teetering constantly not knowing how I am going to fall.

I struggle with the self medication of alcohol and illicit drugs in concert with my prescribed bipolar medication. Thankful I am not a wreck, otherwise I’ve not a clue what to do. Oh well . . .

The thing most on my mind is the news that there was a fatality at the firm I used to work at. I had many years there and was acquainted with the deceased. My heart hurts. I feel that my medication is still some off from where it should and to boot today is in a down swing, Just makes it all that much more better. Sadness overwhelms me and I am unable to write. Take Care All . . .

On Vacation
At home blogging and then some blogging. Pretty well medicated these days though it feels that it is at the lower end. It is Depakote and I am doing 1500 daily. I can tell it is the lower end because I am not yet the walking asleep, though I have bouts if I lose my attention I will drop off to sleep as a doze but then startle awake. I pretty much know where I am and what I am doing, may take a sec from time to time but I mostly have my orientation correct.

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

0500 – 1/2 – 0730
It feels horrible, like my head is going to explode. There has been so much today and can venture to say that it has not been fun. To kick it off Darth Vader cornered me in my off and just rambled on with his usual shit. I flat told him again to garner the business he wants he has to do such and such which I have plainly told him again and again over the last 2 years. Then I go to the Powapo Nadda for Amanas Gogmmas and did not do well there for I had high hopes. Darth Vader musta slammed Darth Desolus for he then cornered me asking the same and I told him also what it would take which he replyed with some hiliarous Glog Pilmus of which I was not buying into. We were interuppted by Chewbacca and while we were conversing Darth Desolus snuck away possibly to report his fustrations to Darth Vader. I then determined it was time to go home for the day anyhow so I left. Had some dinner but no stomach for my evening wallk but worked on the home bills and some business got fustrated and decided it was time to do a hot tub and scurry off to bed.

A note: I am so bungled up I can’t really dechiper what my condition is but I am going to increase med by 500mg to 1000mg but really need to find a shrink.

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

0600 – 1/2 – 1930
Out at 0500 with R2-D2 walking our usual 20 minute. Back home to have a quick breakfast and then zip of to work at the Dark Star. A note: feeling somewhat up and if I knew not better feeling some what better on the up swing. God if I could only really understand the days. Running around here trying to aid in getting the bids done, business covered for Darth Desolus is off on to a great white hunt. Can’t really say when it will be done, Gilad Pellaeon is not far along with his estimate so I need to hang out with him until it is done. It just don’t get any better than that. 1930 Just too tired to continue so head home and get some dinner (Tacos 7 Poppers) vegging out in front of the tube for the rest of the night.

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

0600 – N/L – 1700
and tomorrow is Xmas . . . .

This morning I slept so well that I did not get up until the wifes alarm woke me up and she usually gets up 1 1/2 hours after I do. My subconscience must have sent me directly to bed last night with out setting an alarm though I did have the CPAP all set up. . . I think.

Nedless to say R2-D2 did not get a walk this morning but I do beleive she will survive.

Nas Choka was in from New Republic to meet with Dart Desolus and Darth Vader and Count Dooku were in New Republic to see if they could get everything laid to rest. All day was spent visiting with Nas Choka and then sending him off at the airport and me coming home to tend to the chores and catch up on computer and billing. Don’t get much better than that.

A note: The medicine may be working for I feel in a real mid nothingness but possibly a bit ok even. hmmmmmmmmmmm

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

0500 – 1/2 – 1530
Had to have had the worst night sleeps in forever, could not get comfortabel, slept with the CPAP off and the PAIN, om my GOD the pain! I could not get comfortable and the result was I was looking at the clock every 1/2 hour until 0330 when I got up and took R2-D2 out walking for 30 minutes. Fixed and big breakfast and hit work at 0500. I was locked out of my computer so I had to get tech support on the line which took 2 hours and then everyone started rolling in. By 0900 Dart Desolula was in by then but running all ove with Darth Vader in New Republic with Count Dooku to settle up with the barbarians there. Been having a good time. Seems like a jolly time is brewing because an appointment was set to remove escrow documents from the vault and according to Count Dooku Darth Desolua has the key some where so it is bout to be a ball! Once I was in my computer the day was spent on doing little catchup things and configuring my replacement laptop replacing the ones which were stolen.

Home by 1800, dinner and all evening working on bringing the blogs current, financials for the business and prep for the annual company report due in Sept 2009. Oh joy! Out to bed by 2200 and a good night to all . . . .

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

0730 In the morning and I am off walking R2-D2 for about 20 minutes which is a mile and a half sat a brisk pace. Getting edgier and short and the days pass so I guess it is how low can I go. Don’t really want to know, nor do you!

Back from walking fixing up a full breakfast while Mara Jade Skywalker sleeps for she is not into the big breakfast, so I ate alone, but did set aside some tibits for R2-D2.

Kinda weepy outside, not really knowing if the weather is going to be stable so spent all day working on my blogging, some remodel breaks in the Den and finishing up doing the bills. Great day, huh? Yeah right.

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

Last day in Florida, Clearwater Florida.
We will be flying back to Death Star later on in the afternoon. We have to get the rental car back and fuel in the tank and yet to the terminal in time to get the hell out of dodge. Feeling a bit edgy, can’t say I’ve been over the top but it sure seems on the way back down. Wow that really lasted awhile.

Got to the airport terminal and sat down and had some dinner and a drink. Not much action just waiting till the planes takes off.

The plane ride from hell, in front of me sat the most unruly and undisciplined 2 year old I have ever encountered in my life I just wanted to bust the mother in the mouth for what she had done to her child, what an injustice and not to mention the 10 kinds of hell I went through on a 3 hour 15 minute ride with constant squalling, jumping up and down and screaming. Never once missed a note nor went hoarse, the kid that is. 1830 Landed in the Death Star and home by 1930 and then over to pick up R2-D2 at my brothers house.

On home to an early sleep, just tired and burnt. Off to beddy bye!

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.