Bipolar Diary

There are a number of things on my mind but how do you really go about putting these types of thoughts down on a public viewable journal, epically since they are about where I work. I have never been in a institution where the mentally challenged were housed but where I work the environment there feels as I imagine a lock down in a severely challenged section would be like.

A picture taken along the shore of Carter Lake outside of Loveland Colorado by Peggy Summer 2006

I am feeling some better these days and as we all know is how long is it going to last. I feel like it is above the mid point and rising so that is good news. The past few days I have been doing some web cams and I finally got one on the internet though there is some work still required.

When I have them demons somewhat off my ass I am able to do more, more freely. I almost feel normal and creative. Actually it is times like this that I am in the creativity swing of things it is just that they don’t last long.

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

If you are following this you probably know that I am the bipolar, if that isn’t obvious. I feel that I should be laying great streams of wisdom on being bipolar but hell I can hardly peck this out due to the influence the pain.

A wonderful snapshot of an easily recognizable landmark such as the Maroon Bells located north of another widely popular worldly destination Aspen Colorado. Photo taken by Peggy Summer 2005

Reflection of

Upon reflection a bipolar generally inflicts pain because of their pain. This pain would be upon themselves or others and unfortunately it is usually someone close to them that they care about deeply or something there a bouts.

What about the 9th

Since the 9th of last month I have be buried in some incredible pain which is almost blinding but debilitating none the less. Thinking about that I seem to recollect that the 9th is significant to an incredible low in my cycle.

Do you remember?

I seem to remember a September 9th of 2009 which was exceptionally horrible, but I would have to go back and see what the diary has to say but may not find too much success there because it is in those deep periods of pain that I am unable to commit my words and thoughts to a recordable medium of which the purpose of this was to be in the first place.

I communicate a number of the ills associated with my dysfunction as pain for it is nothing less than pain a pain that I have suffered greatly throughout my life.

Awhile back

No so long ago I read a internet comment on a restaurant by a woman that communicated in the delusional sense where for me it is the pain. I know we are bizarre and I wonder if my mussing is as bizarre as that of that woman.

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

Can barley think and writing is painful because I have to try and think.

I once may have said that there is no pain with bipolar . . . WRONG

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

There really is no way to explain my inability to focus and to get to this exact point in writing was by carrying a note around in my pocket for the last 3 days.

I have so much greatness buried inside that if I could just get to it and bring it out that would be wonderful.

I am a business professional who hangs by a thread daily because of the delusions and paranoia that overwhelms me constantly as a monster under the bed does, but much much more worse. I had a really good job that I was on for 28 years and then I felt a certain individual was relentlessly antagonizing me to the point I left and now have my current and have been here for the last 3 years. The move was more money; I was my own boss, leader of a department and more money that I would’ve attained in 3 more years at the 28 place.

So what is my problem? I really did like the 28 place and had many many friends but I left, all that I gained at the new place were not issues. Quite frankly I truthfully can not say if there were any issues.

First off it is hard to believe today is the 27th day of April when just yesterday it was Xmas and tomorrow is the last day of summer. It seems so much of the time I spend wondering what has happened to time. Why it seems like just yesterday I was out sailing the ocean blue then in the heat of battle in Viet Nam and then to boot the shit out everything here I am today, alive.

I know you ask why about the alive thing but it goes way back and I think it is strongly tied to being bipolar. Matter of fact the economy has kicked me in the ass so bad that at one time I was going to find another shrink since my shrink of 20 years and all essence kicked my ass to the curb to find another one. Been self medicating over these past 4 years depakote, booze and other choice things but today I begin to wean my self from depakote and wake up and see where my creativity takes me and how long I will then stay alive.

And then until the next time.

The most likely stimulus for writing today comes from some action at work yesterday which was a negative impact to my brittle existence. More so since I am on an upward climb and feeling somewhat better. This could be attributed to a couple of things, one may be the natural upswing, GOD only knows that it is due and second I am weaning of my medication, gotta it is like the world of the walking dead. The mood difference could actually be a combination of both.

The thing most on my mind is the news that there was a fatality at the firm I used to work at. I had many years there and was acquainted with the deceased. My heart hurts. I feel that my medication is still some off from where it should and to boot today is in a down swing, Just makes it all that much more better. Sadness overwhelms me and I am unable to write. Take Care All . . .

0600 – N/L – 1700
and tomorrow is Xmas . . . .

This morning I slept so well that I did not get up until the wifes alarm woke me up and she usually gets up 1 1/2 hours after I do. My subconscience must have sent me directly to bed last night with out setting an alarm though I did have the CPAP all set up. . . I think.

Nedless to say R2-D2 did not get a walk this morning but I do beleive she will survive.

Nas Choka was in from New Republic to meet with Dart Desolus and Darth Vader and Count Dooku were in New Republic to see if they could get everything laid to rest. All day was spent visiting with Nas Choka and then sending him off at the airport and me coming home to tend to the chores and catch up on computer and billing. Don’t get much better than that.

A note: The medicine may be working for I feel in a real mid nothingness but possibly a bit ok even. hmmmmmmmmmmm

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

Last day in Florida, Clearwater Florida.
We will be flying back to Death Star later on in the afternoon. We have to get the rental car back and fuel in the tank and yet to the terminal in time to get the hell out of dodge. Feeling a bit edgy, can’t say I’ve been over the top but it sure seems on the way back down. Wow that really lasted awhile.

Got to the airport terminal and sat down and had some dinner and a drink. Not much action just waiting till the planes takes off.

The plane ride from hell, in front of me sat the most unruly and undisciplined 2 year old I have ever encountered in my life I just wanted to bust the mother in the mouth for what she had done to her child, what an injustice and not to mention the 10 kinds of hell I went through on a 3 hour 15 minute ride with constant squalling, jumping up and down and screaming. Never once missed a note nor went hoarse, the kid that is. 1830 Landed in the Death Star and home by 1930 and then over to pick up R2-D2 at my brothers house.

On home to an early sleep, just tired and burnt. Off to beddy bye!

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

And from Clearwater Florida, we are still vacationing. Out to breakfast at Bob Evans and then on down to the Beach. When we got there it was threatening to storm so we decided to walk for a while and maybe find a store to wait out the rain.. And rain it did, quite a downpour. We were in the Clearwater Harley store and before we left we had spent over $100.00. We walked on back to where we had parked and put in our shopping loot. A side note here this really wasn’t a manic induced spree but just that of opportunity – I think. We went on to the beach and swam for some and 30 minutes into the swim clouds were threatening to blow out again so we headed over to the pier for cover and it did rain shortly and went on for another 30 minutes till it subsided substantially but not much so were headed back to the beach and it drizzled and rained harder for over 30 minutes and then pretty much stopped so we decided to quit swimming and walk down the beach walk so we stowed the beach gear in the car and went walking. The weather held but about 40 minutes later it seemed that it was going to open up again so we headed back to go to the hotel and get ready for dinner with Biggs Darklighter and his fiancée. We met at Landry’s Sea Food outside of Tampa, and enjoyed a good dinner and visit. I called it time to go so they could still have an evening together. We headed on to the hotel of computer play and blogging and then off to bed about midnight. A last note, It sorta seem like I am on the even plane on the topside which seems not great or excessive. I am still on 500mg Depakote X1 daily at bed time. There does no seem to be any effect at all and is difficult not having a competent professional to monitor it. Life goes on.