Bipolar Diary

Talk about pain and the intolerable bipolar creates an almost new pain in itself. So how about what’s good about being bipolar. I can tell you fly on the wall when this was read around the world. There is nothing good about being bipolar nor good about being a bipolar. A bipolar that is not medicated can say that their creativity is the sharpest when they are “awake”. I may not have introduced the term awake before so allow me a moment to explain it.

In San Fransisco on Peggy’s Birthday 2005 taken by Peggy

More than likely this is going to take a huge tangent away from what I was beginning there but anyhow, when a bipolar is medicated and well into their therapeutic range of medication they are literally zombies. The walking asleep bipolars. The level of medication to even out the mood cycles puts the bipolar in a zombie state, the walking dead, asleep on their feet. In this state the bipolar is manageable, they’re asleep, so of course they’re manageable.

Off the tangent and moving forward, the same manic that is not medicated will say that they pose no threat to themselves or anyone else. If you are the one hearing that I can only say as being a manic that is pure bullshit! We are dangerous to ourselves and to those around us. It is so like a drunken driver where the question is will any thing happen by driving drunk, but of course we know that answer and it is not if but when . . . . Same with a manic that is not medicated, when?

That has wore me out so I bide you farewell till I am able to write more for you again.

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

Today the Lord rested on this when in the creation of the heavens and earth but let me tell you the demons in my mind rarely rest, I mean even God did.

Let’s see, when medicated I would be a walking zombie and at times it would still hurt but not as bad.

So folks out there in radio land, as they used to say and I bet in some places they still do. Any how, what with the previous statement what would you think/ Medicated and zombie, or not medicated dangerous unstable but REALLY VERY CREATIVE!

Now some where in the middle of last year are my rants when I was medicated and let me tell you I bet it was the friggin demons writing that shit because I can’t tell you where it came from.

I am I the only one with these suffering demons that run around kicking my ass giving me the run to the point where I feel I should be medicated? Sure we all know the benefit of being medicated we have the chance of living to a ripe old age, drooling from the chair we are restrained to or regulated to suddenly finding yourself in an adventure like visiting a CRACK hotel in downtown LA and feeling like that was home. I really have to tell you about that one if I remember to sometime. Another one that comes to mind is being 11 years old in a control box (underground) which was about 4′X4′X3′ with a steel cover where I sought refuge from the demons chasing me, almost bought it on that one you know railroad tracks, fast big trains.

Now trains, I spent a lot of my childhood on hopping freight trains around the country because I was a bad kid and to see if my parents would come and get me once I got caught,.. In the beginning they would but then I became the quest of many adult institutions because the police was told just to keep me. One time in Chanute Kansas I was driven to the river and told to get the hell out of dodge, meaning this was on the border of Missouri and walked over the bridge in to Missouri and caught a eastbound freight to Springfield and on and on and on it went as in of story at this moment. Should not remember stuff like that, I may end up medicated again.

Best just to give it up for now. High or low at this point? More low than high haven’t seen one of those since when?

The sunsetting over Aspen Colorado taken Fall 2007

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

I want to write. To write about what I am feeling, thinking and need. I really want to but it all seems so elusive like a needle in a hay stack . . . hell if it was a D9 caterpillar in that hay stack I would doubt I would be able to find even that. Get my drift? I can’t get the going. I feel as if my head is missing, medication is Crown and other illicit things.

This is Longs Peak in the Rocky Mountain range as seen from Denver CO taken 2010-06-09

When I get this way I really don’t have any idea who I am, do you know me. Probably many just like me and when it comes to names it really is insignificant. If you look into you will see that we are faceless a bunch of orbs lost in to nothingness. With this whine I really sense that here is no sense to it and pitiful if I may say so myself. I keep say that I have been in this cycle like an endless roller coaster that will not stop whizzing through the stop station at break neck speed did we really just buzz through there or maybe the action is slow that it just seems that way now that I think of it at the next bus stop just pull over and let me off.

Pleasant dreams.

Wish I could tell you all is great. Well one thing I found my lost lost daughter and I can tell you my life is gold compared to what that dear child had to go through growing up. She is now a grown woman with a child of her own and seems to be well adjusted. Now I also have a son of which I have not heard from in 30 years and my daughter says she thinks he dead, a drug deal gone wrong in California. Before I really didn’t like California and now . . . . . Still on the down spiral and it is killing me. I have the over whelming urge to self medicate and very well may just bought a liter of liquor to help celebrate Memorial day. What a blast – NOT! We here where I live in this swelter community we had a hail strom straight from which tore everything to pieces, luckily my wife and I were both at work in parts of town that were virtually unscathed by the storm. hey there was something good!

This picture was taken of Christine Falls on Mt Rainier 2010-05-14

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I seem to be funking but it is not no sharp drop and it is mostly numb. Good sign. My mind is really foggy and terribly hard to formulate thoughts. It seems as I watch the whole computer display is moving in slow motion. Pretty crazy seeing it play out and so will shut it down now.

This picture was taken 2010-05-14 at the WAAAM in Hood River Oregon.

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that among other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totally FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

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I really want to write, to write everyday to let you know that I am OK, but the fact is I am not OK and the demons are being somewhat bothersome. But then again being bipolar is really bothersome, and my birthday is next week with me celebrating it in the usual fashion. I guess though I am not sure what usual fashion is. I can not connect with my own mind, my vision is blurry and I just cant think or remember from one moment to the other. We know when this all began so it is to see how long it will last and what I do during.

This picture is Mt St Helen In Washington taken 2010-05-14

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that among other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totally FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

It can be really unpredictable most of the time. At the moment as well as the past few days I have been feeling extraordinarily good for which no reason comes to mind but I guess that is why I would need a shrink to tell me why or if it is truly a fact that I am feeling good. Of course due to that fact it is why I don’t have a shrink even though in pact blogging I have mentioned how I thought I really need one; musta been outa my mind.

I am still vacationing, having a grand time, loving the wife and the time we are spending together (don’t know if she reads this) but it is true. My focus on the task at hand seems to be workable for I have taken many photographs and they have been outstanding! Nothing that will make me rich but none the less they have turned out exceptionally well.

I haven’t really said much about the time we spent with our friends here in Central Oregon but we got to their place early afternoon sitting around catching up what has happened since we saw each on a cruise on Lake Washington in August of 2009. They had set up dinner out at a small musical performance which turned out to be some of the weirdest shit I have ever heard in my frigging life and it was just not t he amount of wine I had consumed, the music was just plain WEIRD! Food OK for a buffet.

When we got home we (wife and I) got an additional musical performance from our friends with him singing and playing the acoustic guitar and his wife accompanying him vocally. Totally outstanding performance by them just could not get enough!

Life is good, I am feeling good and at the moment I am vacationing in the great Northwest, staying in Welch Oregon at the Wispering Woods Resort which is a Shell Vacations property of which I have a timeshare in.

All too often I am a sucker for a sales pitch no common scense at that moment wrong part of my manic cycle and shazam! I own a timeshare and it not only happened there (In SanFransico where I bought it) and not only that but 6 years ago I visited Mexico and fell for a simple ploy in attending a time share sales presentation so I also own a Mexican time share.

Oh how great it is to be bipolar but beware there are points in your cycle where you should just be protected from your self or is every great shopper and buyers bipolar?

Is it really May already? Sometime in my delusional illusionist times I just get so totally lost up in the speeding time continuum. My efforts toward internet marketing are beginning to move a bit. I have done 2 videos for the linking to my main site if anyone cares Click Here to see or if you have any interest in the videos CLICK HERE to see them on YouTube and if you bother to watch any of the videos (about 50 of them) please take a moment to leave a comment on your thoughts. Bear in mind that when you see my stuff it is created by a manic and as we well know many people say that bipolars are really talented and I do believe I do fit that mold but not necessarily.

My talents run m ore in to the “Crystal Ball” arena. I try to look into the future and predict events and occurrences and the outcome of all of this. As a matter of fact I am very good when it comes to this and that is how I make my living, I am a “Cost Estimator” for Construction.

This is why it is so hard to be medicated because it clouds up my visions and the crystal ball is just smoky and cloudy. I do have a propensity to be a “Wild Ass Guesser” but I am not very good at it. Matter of fact if you run into some one who lays claim to this fame, DON NOT BUT SNAKE OIL FROM THEM for it is bound to be pure poison.

Talking about medication, and since I have no sense of then or now I am not sure as to whether or not I had commented on as to why I don’t like to be medicated. Mainly I feel must more alive when I am awake because the dose of depakote required to be therapeutic with me is about 2000mgs a day an 4 of them horse pills just takes all of the apatite right out of me.

I know it is not fair to the people around me, those that love and care for me that of the unpredictable nature that is the reality of not being medicated brings to my life and those around as well as the general public at large ( I once came to my senses only to find my self in a Downtown LA –10th and Main– in a crack bar hotel paying 100 dollars a night) one time when I was not medicated. Remind me to tell you of that one and of course we well know that there are many tales to be told by not being medicated, like the many time of homelessness and hopelessness of those situations, we will tell of them soon or later.

Fact of the matter I just can not function at the level I need to to be creative and alive although being a bipolar and saying that as it applies to me is almost an oxymoron.

Something that I have been trying to do for the last year is to break into “Internet Marketing” truly a laugh for the commitment required and a manic trying to do this. I find determination from time to time almost like my ability to write this blog on a consistent basics. I am sure many of you know the struggles I face, the troubles I battle everyday and to top it all I have been trying internet marketing. WOW . . .

I will try to tell of what I have done and where my success is at and how I will succeed. Who am I kidding I have had no success, spent way too much money and have nothing! to show but bills , pain and heart ache but the love of my darling wife keeps me moving. As to what I will do or have to do to be successful is something I have no clue about. Well kinda, I have been reading like a fool everything I find and buy. I just get so petrified when I feel that I have a call to action to do, I become paralyzed and don’t follow through.

Some examples: I paid Omar Pieru $4300.00 for business motivation and coaching. Couldn’t implement teaching and eventually fell away from him.

Paid $6500.00 to Commercial Millions for a 3 day bootcamp and training seminar, and didn’t implement not a thing.

Became involved with the “Speed of Wealth” and “Mantria” following their investment pitches and investing in their schemes to the tune of $250,000.00 when last year when they were busted for running a PONZI, so I have no money, debt to my ass but my wife still loves me but the pain and embarrassment of being so stupid.

So my path of success is not paved in gold but I am up to my ass in mud as I walk down this path so that may explain why I feel so bogged down.