Bipolar Diary

My mind tells me that yesterday was the first day of the year and I then go outside and it is 90 degrees out and just beautiful flowers in bloom everywhere trees swaying in the breeze but even so I just can not imagine where in the hell the year has gone.

nomis my baby girl catching some great afternoon sun taken by Peggy Summer 2010

Today I am feeling old, I mean really old! and I just turned 54 but damn I know I said it before but I feel OLD! It is that 1st of the year thing, I don’t know where the year has gone I don’t know where my life has gone? I just don’t feel significant what is there to show for my life, my son is dead because I let him visit his mother for a week so I could get remarried and this was after she disappeared in the middle of the night.

For 3 years I raised my son and daughter alone and then out of the blue my ex-wife shows up asking if she could visit them and my GOD! where did all of this come from.

Sometimes times I frighten my self, this came pouring out and my heart started twisting as if it was going to break in half. I am sooooooo SORRY!

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

Today the Lord rested on this when in the creation of the heavens and earth but let me tell you the demons in my mind rarely rest, I mean even God did.

Let’s see, when medicated I would be a walking zombie and at times it would still hurt but not as bad.

So folks out there in radio land, as they used to say and I bet in some places they still do. Any how, what with the previous statement what would you think/ Medicated and zombie, or not medicated dangerous unstable but REALLY VERY CREATIVE!

Now some where in the middle of last year are my rants when I was medicated and let me tell you I bet it was the friggin demons writing that shit because I can’t tell you where it came from.

I am I the only one with these suffering demons that run around kicking my ass giving me the run to the point where I feel I should be medicated? Sure we all know the benefit of being medicated we have the chance of living to a ripe old age, drooling from the chair we are restrained to or regulated to suddenly finding yourself in an adventure like visiting a CRACK hotel in downtown LA and feeling like that was home. I really have to tell you about that one if I remember to sometime. Another one that comes to mind is being 11 years old in a control box (underground) which was about 4′X4′X3′ with a steel cover where I sought refuge from the demons chasing me, almost bought it on that one you know railroad tracks, fast big trains.

Now trains, I spent a lot of my childhood on hopping freight trains around the country because I was a bad kid and to see if my parents would come and get me once I got caught,.. In the beginning they would but then I became the quest of many adult institutions because the police was told just to keep me. One time in Chanute Kansas I was driven to the river and told to get the hell out of dodge, meaning this was on the border of Missouri and walked over the bridge in to Missouri and caught a eastbound freight to Springfield and on and on and on it went as in of story at this moment. Should not remember stuff like that, I may end up medicated again.

Best just to give it up for now. High or low at this point? More low than high haven’t seen one of those since when?

The sunsetting over Aspen Colorado taken Fall 2007

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

I want to write. To write about what I am feeling, thinking and need. I really want to but it all seems so elusive like a needle in a hay stack . . . hell if it was a D9 caterpillar in that hay stack I would doubt I would be able to find even that. Get my drift? I can’t get the going. I feel as if my head is missing, medication is Crown and other illicit things.

This is Longs Peak in the Rocky Mountain range as seen from Denver CO taken 2010-06-09

When I get this way I really don’t have any idea who I am, do you know me. Probably many just like me and when it comes to names it really is insignificant. If you look into you will see that we are faceless a bunch of orbs lost in to nothingness. With this whine I really sense that here is no sense to it and pitiful if I may say so myself. I keep say that I have been in this cycle like an endless roller coaster that will not stop whizzing through the stop station at break neck speed did we really just buzz through there or maybe the action is slow that it just seems that way now that I think of it at the next bus stop just pull over and let me off.

Pleasant dreams.

I really want to write, to write everyday to let you know that I am OK, but the fact is I am not OK and the demons are being somewhat bothersome. But then again being bipolar is really bothersome, and my birthday is next week with me celebrating it in the usual fashion. I guess though I am not sure what usual fashion is. I can not connect with my own mind, my vision is blurry and I just cant think or remember from one moment to the other. We know when this all began so it is to see how long it will last and what I do during.

This picture is Mt St Helen In Washington taken 2010-05-14

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that among other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totally FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

Make a note for I can tell it is all going down hill but at this moment I can’t tell how fast. Lost concentration, it is like pulling teeth just to do this little bit.

Taken 2010-05-14 at Airplane and Auto Museum in Hood River Oregon.

I can say though that it was good while it lasted and I wonder when I will see something like that again. As you recall I could not remember if I had ever, but I will remember because it is here. That really is a shame you know but it is also life, the life of a bipolar.

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that among other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE PLEASE! leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you
would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know at bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

Something that I have been trying to do for the last year is to break into “Internet Marketing” truly a laugh for the commitment required and a manic trying to do this. I find determination from time to time almost like my ability to write this blog on a consistent basics. I am sure many of you know the struggles I face, the troubles I battle everyday and to top it all I have been trying internet marketing. WOW . . .

I will try to tell of what I have done and where my success is at and how I will succeed. Who am I kidding I have had no success, spent way too much money and have nothing! to show but bills , pain and heart ache but the love of my darling wife keeps me moving. As to what I will do or have to do to be successful is something I have no clue about. Well kinda, I have been reading like a fool everything I find and buy. I just get so petrified when I feel that I have a call to action to do, I become paralyzed and don’t follow through.

Some examples: I paid Omar Pieru $4300.00 for business motivation and coaching. Couldn’t implement teaching and eventually fell away from him.

Paid $6500.00 to Commercial Millions for a 3 day bootcamp and training seminar, and didn’t implement not a thing.

Became involved with the “Speed of Wealth” and “Mantria” following their investment pitches and investing in their schemes to the tune of $250,000.00 when last year when they were busted for running a PONZI, so I have no money, debt to my ass but my wife still loves me but the pain and embarrassment of being so stupid.

So my path of success is not paved in gold but I am up to my ass in mud as I walk down this path so that may explain why I feel so bogged down.

The thing most on my mind is the news that there was a fatality at the firm I used to work at. I had many years there and was acquainted with the deceased. My heart hurts. I feel that my medication is still some off from where it should and to boot today is in a down swing, Just makes it all that much more better. Sadness overwhelms me and I am unable to write. Take Care All . . .

0730 In the morning and I am off walking R2-D2 for about 20 minutes which is a mile and a half sat a brisk pace. Getting edgier and short and the days pass so I guess it is how low can I go. Don’t really want to know, nor do you!

Back from walking fixing up a full breakfast while Mara Jade Skywalker sleeps for she is not into the big breakfast, so I ate alone, but did set aside some tibits for R2-D2.

Kinda weepy outside, not really knowing if the weather is going to be stable so spent all day working on my blogging, some remodel breaks in the Den and finishing up doing the bills. Great day, huh? Yeah right.

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

Saturday morning, up at about 0930 and the dog wants to walk NOW! so I hitch her up and we do our usual 20 minute walk and head for home a nd a nice breakfast. The weather is still somewhat Seattle like, gloomy, drizzly and overcast but according to the news it is looking up. After breakfast I get after on working in the den finalizing the door hanging breaking off the shims and tacking the door in permantely. I then finish off the dry walling in the areas that needed pieced together. HAd some lunch and was in the office doing some flight simulator and blogging and working on the bills. A bit more to finish out my goal for today and just putz around work on some sales and landing pages for a chang to some new stuff. Wrote some more on my books, what a mess, just trying to get my head inside ther to wriet something literate. On an up note, there has been a overwhelming request for my book on 101 diet and weight lost tips. Really late so gotta roll into the sack,

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.