Bipolar Diary

First off it is hard to believe today is the 27th day of April when just yesterday it was Xmas and tomorrow is the last day of summer. It seems so much of the time I spend wondering what has happened to time. Why it seems like just yesterday I was out sailing the ocean blue then in the heat of battle in Viet Nam and then to boot the shit out everything here I am today, alive.

I know you ask why about the alive thing but it goes way back and I think it is strongly tied to being bipolar. Matter of fact the economy has kicked me in the ass so bad that at one time I was going to find another shrink since my shrink of 20 years and all essence kicked my ass to the curb to find another one. Been self medicating over these past 4 years depakote, booze and other choice things but today I begin to wean my self from depakote and wake up and see where my creativity takes me and how long I will then stay alive.

And then until the next time.

The most likely stimulus for writing today comes from some action at work yesterday which was a negative impact to my brittle existence. More so since I am on an upward climb and feeling somewhat better. This could be attributed to a couple of things, one may be the natural upswing, GOD only knows that it is due and second I am weaning of my medication, gotta it is like the world of the walking dead. The mood difference could actually be a combination of both.

I realy want to have it out there as to what I am going through and feeling. I go for such long periods of times where it it such a struggle to complete the most elementry things. I haven’t said, but I have been without a shrink for almost 7 years. That is not a good thing. I have done so many stupid things that may have not occured, and at this monment I am able to be relective on the trouble I have experienced in the past. It is as if I am having a period of awakening, no . . . that is exactly what I am having at the moment, a moment of awakening. The demons are not pounding on me with the furry that is all but my life, So ongoing sh……….. is I continue to self medicate with some really bad stuff and I keep that company with alcohol and too boot I down daily 2000 mg of Depakote which is at the lower end of the scale of theraputic, my GP shows me my labs and his is the one who prescribes all of the meds.

The thing most on my mind is the news that there was a fatality at the firm I used to work at. I had many years there and was acquainted with the deceased. My heart hurts. I feel that my medication is still some off from where it should and to boot today is in a down swing, Just makes it all that much more better. Sadness overwhelms me and I am unable to write. Take Care All . . .

On Vacation
At home blogging and then some blogging. Pretty well medicated these days though it feels that it is at the lower end. It is Depakote and I am doing 1500 daily. I can tell it is the lower end because I am not yet the walking asleep, though I have bouts if I lose my attention I will drop off to sleep as a doze but then startle awake. I pretty much know where I am and what I am doing, may take a sec from time to time but I mostly have my orientation correct.

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

And from Clearwater Florida, we are still vacationing. Out to breakfast at Bob Evans and then on down to the Beach. When we got there it was threatening to storm so we decided to walk for a while and maybe find a store to wait out the rain.. And rain it did, quite a downpour. We were in the Clearwater Harley store and before we left we had spent over $100.00. We walked on back to where we had parked and put in our shopping loot. A side note here this really wasn’t a manic induced spree but just that of opportunity – I think. We went on to the beach and swam for some and 30 minutes into the swim clouds were threatening to blow out again so we headed over to the pier for cover and it did rain shortly and went on for another 30 minutes till it subsided substantially but not much so were headed back to the beach and it drizzled and rained harder for over 30 minutes and then pretty much stopped so we decided to quit swimming and walk down the beach walk so we stowed the beach gear in the car and went walking. The weather held but about 40 minutes later it seemed that it was going to open up again so we headed back to go to the hotel and get ready for dinner with Biggs Darklighter and his fiancée. We met at Landry’s Sea Food outside of Tampa, and enjoyed a good dinner and visit. I called it time to go so they could still have an evening together. We headed on to the hotel of computer play and blogging and then off to bed about midnight. A last note, It sorta seem like I am on the even plane on the topside which seems not great or excessive. I am still on 500mg Depakote X1 daily at bed time. There does no seem to be any effect at all and is difficult not having a competent professional to monitor it. Life goes on.

0600 – ½ – 1815
The weather is nice this morning and pleasant, took the dog out for her 20 minute walk. 0600 In and now is the time to respond to my expense report alert reminder. 0730 The temperature in here is like being in a cave, it is cool and uncomfortable. 0853 Darth Desolus in. 0924 A moment of reflection, today seems that I am on the upswing for my moods. 1131 Finished with Darth Desolus and Count Dooku on what to do for business development in Oregon. This took 1 hour. 1230 Back from lunch and spent all afternoon doing the Trandoshan sign estimate as well as creating a revised 8t88 tutorial as I go along doing the bid. 1818 Time to wrap it up and head home. 1840 Having Dinner 1905 Down in the Dungeon working on the IBM notebook to have as a travel computer while doing backup and data archives. A very slow process. 2140 Tending to for the night and off to the hot tub and then bed.

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

This morning I did the usual 20 minute walk with the dog. the weather was nice less chilly than yesterday. It was about 09:00AM. Had breakfast fixed by the wife, some biscuits and gravy. Tidied up a bit and then headed to do some remodeling work. I am feeling better, it seems that i am on the up swing. Still trying to get down the aircraft check list in simulation but I just can’t concentrate. Had some dinner and did not have the heart to do any more remodeling. I worked into the morning on data backup and organizing my PLR material.

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

0600-N/L-1800
Did the usual 20 minute doggie walk this morning, the chill has moved in and I think we have seen the last of summer. 0800 Bvelgro in. 1000 Darth Desolus took 45 minutes to fill me in about what he thought about doing business with Ponda Baba 1030 Ponda Baba in for drama – something stirred with Bnexek?? out meeting with Bvelgro?? 1130 Bnexek stopped by and blow off on what Fugaw up to, who cares!! seemed real condensending. 1315 The drama over Fugaw and Bnexek thickens and Bvelgro and Panro are deep in it. Don’t they have enough FUCKIN drama without creating more? 1710 Talked with Bvelgro and Yecrbf on CCD intersections strategy.

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.

0600 – N/L – 1830
Really cool out, summer is dying with sunrise about 0630. 0600 Getting right after it all. Printed everyone a 88t8 Guide, 6 in all which is a guide with 66 pages. 0800 In with Darth Vader listening to his big ideas but I only have the little red wagon with 2 girl scouts to accomplish these big ideas. 1000 Listening to Chewbacca and his concerns about a bust he can’t resolve in an estimate he did not want to do a turn over on 5 months earlier. His problem. 1447 Darth Desolus called telling me about his kill and wanted Taun We’s phone number to talk about game meat for her. 1531 Slamming on the Death Star bid 1615 Went outside to catch some sun and relief from the frigid temperature of the meat locker they call my office. Any how outside was Darth Caedus and Tibor talking to Darth Vader of which I found really curious! 1700 Darth Desolus calls all up in arms over the bullshit Ponda Babba is doing and is saying we are cutting all ties from him.

For those of you who did not get the opportunity to download my last book WHICH IS FREE, here is my email Bipolar@BipolarDiary.com, just send me an email asking that I send you a link for the download.