Bipolar Diary

I am regularly taking 2000mg of depakote daily unless I forget which does happen on occasion. I feel lucid and believe it may be a good Xmas due to the way I am feeling which is it feels that it is on the up swing, but how long that really lasts is up to going back and looking to see.

I am excited that Christmas is soon. I understand the pertinence of what it means in the terms of the celebration of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. When I am able to express them I do have feelings of a religious nature which may be argumentative because it is a type of self medicating.

I certainly do understand the self medicating aspect of the sickness such as alcohol, licit drugs and religion. I can accept all of the above.

In a moment of where the demons are not an issue I am then able to write and function doing things and maybe even completing them. I have been moving things at home from 1 room to another which I guess is may way of keepeing busy.

WAAAM Hood River OR

One day while my lil lovely has been gone and I am here and from here it is blessed there of which I am glad but I have been giving her a hard time of which I shouldn’t but can’t let her think it really is blessed for even I know That it isn’t.

Dis with her boys but then no difference than normal but I just hope it doesn’t progress. Me, I am dandy as candy . . . We know that is bull shit RIGHT?

THE DIALOG BELOW IS ONE OF THE CONSTANTS I HAVE IN MY LIFE AND I NEED TO KEEP IT OUT THERE THAT I CAN DO SOME THINGS BUT IT IS JUST NOT ALL THE TIME AND MAYBE NOT ALL THIS MONTH OR EVEN YEAR BUT THERE ARE THINGS I CAN DO.

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

I know that I ramble alot and the direction is not always lucid but email me by clicking the link below if you want more information on something I did not finish writing about or in a lucid moment clarify something I did write.

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My mind tells me that yesterday was the first day of the year and I then go outside and it is 90 degrees out and just beautiful flowers in bloom everywhere trees swaying in the breeze but even so I just can not imagine where in the hell the year has gone.

There is NO! Better Dog . . . .

Today I am feeling old, I mean really old! and I just turned 54 but damn I know I said it before but I feel OLD! It is that 1st of the year thing, I don’t know where the year has gone I don’t know where my life has gone? I just don’t feel significant what is there to show for my life, my son is dead because I let him visit his mother for a week so I could get remarried and this was after she disappeared in the middle of the night.

For 3 years I raised my son and daughter alone and then out of the blue my ex-wife shows up asking if she could visit them and my GOD! where did all of this come from.

Sometimes times I frighten my self, this came pouring out and my heart started twisting as if it was going to break in half. I am sooooooo SORRY!

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

There are a number of things on my mind but how do you really go about putting these types of thoughts down on a public viewable journal, epically since they are about where I work. I have never been in a institution where the mentally challenged were housed but where I work the environment there feels as I imagine a lock down in a severely challenged section would be like.

A picture taken along the shore of Carter Lake outside of Loveland Colorado by Peggy Summer 2006

I am feeling some better these days and as we all know is how long is it going to last. I feel like it is above the mid point and rising so that is good news. The past few days I have been doing some web cams and I finally got one on the internet though there is some work still required.

When I have them demons somewhat off my ass I am able to do more, more freely. I almost feel normal and creative. Actually it is times like this that I am in the creativity swing of things it is just that they don’t last long.

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

Talk about pain and the intolerable bipolar creates an almost new pain in itself. So how about what’s good about being bipolar. I can tell you fly on the wall when this was read around the world. There is nothing good about being bipolar nor good about being a bipolar. A bipolar that is not medicated can say that their creativity is the sharpest when they are “awake”. I may not have introduced the term awake before so allow me a moment to explain it.

In San Fransisco on Peggy’s Birthday 2005 taken by Peggy

More than likely this is going to take a huge tangent away from what I was beginning there but anyhow, when a bipolar is medicated and well into their therapeutic range of medication they are literally zombies. The walking asleep bipolars. The level of medication to even out the mood cycles puts the bipolar in a zombie state, the walking dead, asleep on their feet. In this state the bipolar is manageable, they’re asleep, so of course they’re manageable.

Off the tangent and moving forward, the same manic that is not medicated will say that they pose no threat to themselves or anyone else. If you are the one hearing that I can only say as being a manic that is pure bullshit! We are dangerous to ourselves and to those around us. It is so like a drunken driver where the question is will any thing happen by driving drunk, but of course we know that answer and it is not if but when . . . . Same with a manic that is not medicated, when?

That has wore me out so I bide you farewell till I am able to write more for you again.

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

Today the Lord rested on this when in the creation of the heavens and earth but let me tell you the demons in my mind rarely rest, I mean even God did.

Let’s see, when medicated I would be a walking zombie and at times it would still hurt but not as bad.

So folks out there in radio land, as they used to say and I bet in some places they still do. Any how, what with the previous statement what would you think/ Medicated and zombie, or not medicated dangerous unstable but REALLY VERY CREATIVE!

Now some where in the middle of last year are my rants when I was medicated and let me tell you I bet it was the friggin demons writing that shit because I can’t tell you where it came from.

I am I the only one with these suffering demons that run around kicking my ass giving me the run to the point where I feel I should be medicated? Sure we all know the benefit of being medicated we have the chance of living to a ripe old age, drooling from the chair we are restrained to or regulated to suddenly finding yourself in an adventure like visiting a CRACK hotel in downtown LA and feeling like that was home. I really have to tell you about that one if I remember to sometime. Another one that comes to mind is being 11 years old in a control box (underground) which was about 4′X4′X3′ with a steel cover where I sought refuge from the demons chasing me, almost bought it on that one you know railroad tracks, fast big trains.

Now trains, I spent a lot of my childhood on hopping freight trains around the country because I was a bad kid and to see if my parents would come and get me once I got caught,.. In the beginning they would but then I became the quest of many adult institutions because the police was told just to keep me. One time in Chanute Kansas I was driven to the river and told to get the hell out of dodge, meaning this was on the border of Missouri and walked over the bridge in to Missouri and caught a eastbound freight to Springfield and on and on and on it went as in of story at this moment. Should not remember stuff like that, I may end up medicated again.

Best just to give it up for now. High or low at this point? More low than high haven’t seen one of those since when?

The sunsetting over Aspen Colorado taken Fall 2007

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

Now I call tell ya that I am leaving the slump and am headed up hill. The pain has eased and the demons are asleep. I feel as I can see and that both eyes are open. This simple statement may seem a bit impractical but if this is you and you have been there you can realize just what I am saying. Good day at work, no real stumbling there a bit hard to motivate but was able to focus and be productive.

This is at the WAAAM museum in Hood River Oregon taken 2010-05-14

At the same time I am home trying to do some web cams and I am able to get a simple cam up and running, web site with simple programming, but then I have this IP cam that is giving me nothing but trouble and I can not finger it out. As with times like these the periods when I can do complex technical shit are few and far between but understanding as I may I still attempt it thus frustrating myself unmercifully. I may realize this is happening or three days later when I experience a moment of lucidness I realize I have spent 3 days doing nothing but spinning my wheels.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

I really want to write, to write everyday to let you know that I am OK, but the fact is I am not OK and the demons are being somewhat bothersome. But then again being bipolar is really bothersome, and my birthday is next week with me celebrating it in the usual fashion. I guess though I am not sure what usual fashion is. I can not connect with my own mind, my vision is blurry and I just cant think or remember from one moment to the other. We know when this all began so it is to see how long it will last and what I do during.

This picture is Mt St Helen In Washington taken 2010-05-14

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that among other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totally FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

The most likely stimulus for writing today comes from some action at work yesterday which was a negative impact to my brittle existence. More so since I am on an upward climb and feeling somewhat better. This could be attributed to a couple of things, one may be the natural upswing, GOD only knows that it is due and second I am weaning of my medication, gotta it is like the world of the walking dead. The mood difference could actually be a combination of both.

I realy want to have it out there as to what I am going through and feeling. I go for such long periods of times where it it such a struggle to complete the most elementry things. I haven’t said, but I have been without a shrink for almost 7 years. That is not a good thing. I have done so many stupid things that may have not occured, and at this monment I am able to be relective on the trouble I have experienced in the past. It is as if I am having a period of awakening, no . . . that is exactly what I am having at the moment, a moment of awakening. The demons are not pounding on me with the furry that is all but my life, So ongoing sh……….. is I continue to self medicate with some really bad stuff and I keep that company with alcohol and too boot I down daily 2000 mg of Depakote which is at the lower end of the scale of theraputic, my GP shows me my labs and his is the one who prescribes all of the meds.