Bipolar Diary

2010-07-31 Saturday

A Nice Guy — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 00:53:24 +0000

My mind tells me that yesterday was the first day of the year and I then go outside and it is 90 degrees out and just beautiful flowers in bloom everywhere trees swaying in the breeze but even so I just can not imagine where in the hell the year has gone.

nomis my baby girl catching some great afternoon sun taken by Peggy Summer 2010

Today I am feeling old, I mean really old! and I just turned 54 but damn I know I said it before but I feel OLD! It is that 1st of the year thing, I don’t know where the year has gone I don’t know where my life has gone? I just don’t feel significant what is there to show for my life, my son is dead because I let him visit his mother for a week so I could get remarried and this was after she disappeared in the middle of the night.

For 3 years I raised my son and daughter alone and then out of the blue my ex-wife shows up asking if she could visit them and my GOD! where did all of this come from.

Sometimes times I frighten my self, this came pouring out and my heart started twisting as if it was going to break in half. I am sooooooo SORRY!

I may not have mentioned it but I really enjoy photography and can actually say
that I do pretty well by it. Sooner or later I will try to get a gallery of photos that I take up and can say that amoung other things I am a pretty good writer also. I have written a number of ebooks, mostly on internet subjects and how-to for craigslist, twitter, google adsense and other popular marketing subjects. For my faithful readers I will make available totaly FREE to you, any and all if you desire just send me an email to ebooks@bipolarydiary.com tell what you would like or what type of ebooks you like or just ask for the whole list of what I have available. Yours FREE as I said for being one of my faithful readers and if you like I will do the same for all your family and friends. Not cost, no gimmick.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

PLEASE, PLEASE! Leave a comment below telling me of yourself, about your affliction and how it affects you. You can state you comment is PRIVATE to me or you would like to share it with all of my readers. Leave some sort of note telling me what you like about my writing, what you don’t like. Is there something you would like to see me write about, am I lucid enough to be understandable. Are you feeling my pain and my joy? Tell me, please if you would. Share your thoughts and message with me.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

2010-07-30 Friday

A Nice Guy — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 22:39:59 +0000

There are a number of things on my mind but how do you really go about putting these types of thoughts down on a public viewable journal, epically since they are about where I work. I have never been in a institution where the mentally challenged were housed but where I work the environment there feels as I imagine a lock down in a severely challenged section would be like.

A picture taken along the shore of Carter Lake outside of Loveland Colorado by Peggy Summer 2006

I am feeling some better these days and as we all know is how long is it going to last. I feel like it is above the mid point and rising so that is good news. The past few days I have been doing some web cams and I finally got one on the internet though there is some work still required.

When I have them demons somewhat off my ass I am able to do more, more freely. I almost feel normal and creative. Actually it is times like this that I am in the creativity swing of things it is just that they don’t last long.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

2010-07-29 Thursday

A Nice Guy — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 00:58:54 +0000

Talk about pain and the intolerable bipolar creates an almost new pain in itself. So how about what’s good about being bipolar. I can tell you fly on the wall when this was read around the world. There is nothing good about being bipolar nor good about being a bipolar. A bipolar that is not medicated can say that their creativity is the sharpest when they are “awake”. I may not have introduced the term awake before so allow me a moment to explain it.

In San Fransisco on Peggy’s Birthday 2005 taken by Peggy

More than likely this is going to take a huge tangent away from what I was beginning there but anyhow, when a bipolar is medicated and well into their therapeutic range of medication they are literally zombies. The walking asleep bipolars. The level of medication to even out the mood cycles puts the bipolar in a zombie state, the walking dead, asleep on their feet. In this state the bipolar is manageable, they’re asleep, so of course they’re manageable.

Off the tangent and moving forward, the same manic that is not medicated will say that they pose no threat to themselves or anyone else. If you are the one hearing that I can only say as being a manic that is pure bullshit! We are dangerous to ourselves and to those around us. It is so like a drunken driver where the question is will any thing happen by driving drunk, but of course we know that answer and it is not if but when . . . . Same with a manic that is not medicated, when?

That has wore me out so I bide you farewell till I am able to write more for you again.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

2010-07-28 Wednesday

A Nice Guy — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 00:42:59 +0000

Let me start off with that many people that read this blog are those who have to deal with or professionally treat bipolars. My endings to my blogging is a plea for you to share, I know even those who are close to or may even love, God Bless You – Those who love a bipolar! there is many who know as well as I how difficult the bipolar is so! you need to share here on this very blog your feelings or experiences by either being a bipolar or the bipolar experience. Share, you will feel good in doing so.

BTW, If you are are shrink in the greater metropolitan area of Denver CO I desperately need you!

Well what do you know here it is 2 days in a row, can’t tell yo when the last time that happened. I swear that I am not feeling well enough to be doing this let alone 2 days in a row. Does a bipolar really use crutches. I mean aren’t they strong enough to stand alone? In answer to that when you have a host of raving demons in your head constantly how would you be able to function?

I had a thought that I was going to throw down here but it has left me for the moment and I dare say probably forever. At the present time I am without shrink. I have been without shrink since March of 2003. Have I been doing alright? Now what would you say seeing me stand around here asking questions and then answering them. NO! I am not OK and I have not been frigging OK since 2003. I did have a brief stint with I believe 2 shrinks and a GP who thought he was a shrink and could manage my medicine but almost poisoned me cept for the fact that I could read a lab report seeing that 2500 of Depakote was way over a therapeutic level and I weaned my self of my med and NO! I ain’t ok!

3 Years ago I quit a job that I had been on for 28 years (bipolars don’t like change) but I was delusional and felt I was being unmercifully being persecuted ( I wasn’t I now know)

I now have a host of screaming demons with me constantly on my current job and if it keeps up I am going to go stark raving mad. It hurts alot and I don’t know what to do. DO you?

A gift for my patient readers and followers

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

Do You Like The videos and pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

2010-07-27 Tuesday

A Nice Guy — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 02:54:01 +0000

Being a Bipolar, manic or whatever you care to call it when you believe that you are feeling OK that alone is suspect because what is OK, define that. Does it mean that you are alive and maybe you have not hurt any one else. So you are OK at this moment.

I read a comment about this woman and her bizarre delusions and having been thinking about it a lot since. The gist of the comment was that she was laying in wait to catch her cheating partner in a compromised situation and she knew all about how they would go about it. Her knowledge came from the fact she had been married 5 times before and had more relationships with more than she could hardly remember.

I can relate to that because I have been down the same road in a very similar way. Now let me ask, does it seem bipolars manic depressives have some of the very same relationship issues. Kinda like if you don’t kill them you dump them time and time again?

I gues this is why they call it crazy. Loose use of the term because I can’t define that one either.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

Do You Like The video? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

2010-07-26 Monday

A Nice Guy — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 01:21:29 +0000

If you are following this you probably know that I am the bipolar, if that isn’t obvious. I feel that I should be laying great streams of wisdom on being bipolar but hell I can hardly peck this out due to the influence the pain.

A wonderful snapshot of an easily recognizable landmark such as the Maroon Bells located north of another widely popular worldly destination Aspen Colorado. Photo taken by Peggy Summer 2005

Reflection of

Upon reflection a bipolar generally inflicts pain because of their pain. This pain would be upon themselves or others and unfortunately it is usually someone close to them that they care about deeply or something there a bouts.

What about the 9th

Since the 9th of last month I have be buried in some incredible pain which is almost blinding but debilitating none the less. Thinking about that I seem to recollect that the 9th is significant to an incredible low in my cycle.

Do you remember?

I seem to remember a September 9th of 2009 which was exceptionally horrible, but I would have to go back and see what the diary has to say but may not find too much success there because it is in those deep periods of pain that I am unable to commit my words and thoughts to a recordable medium of which the purpose of this was to be in the first place.

I communicate a number of the ills associated with my dysfunction as pain for it is nothing less than pain a pain that I have suffered greatly throughout my life.

Awhile back

No so long ago I read a internet comment on a restaurant by a woman that communicated in the delusional sense where for me it is the pain. I know we are bizarre and I wonder if my mussing is as bizarre as that of that woman.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

2010-07-10 Saturday

A Nice Guy — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 01:19:44 +0000

As again it is bye to yall. Shutting it all down. It is too much for my sick mind to handle and I just can’t doit . . .

2010-06-20 Sunday

A Nice Guy — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 03:27:55 +0000

Today the Lord rested on this when in the creation of the heavens and earth but let me tell you the demons in my mind rarely rest, I mean even God did.

Let’s see, when medicated I would be a walking zombie and at times it would still hurt but not as bad.

So folks out there in radio land, as they used to say and I bet in some places they still do. Any how, what with the previous statement what would you think/ Medicated and zombie, or not medicated dangerous unstable but REALLY VERY CREATIVE!

Now some where in the middle of last year are my rants when I was medicated and let me tell you I bet it was the friggin demons writing that shit because I can’t tell you where it came from.

I am I the only one with these suffering demons that run around kicking my ass giving me the run to the point where I feel I should be medicated? Sure we all know the benefit of being medicated we have the chance of living to a ripe old age, drooling from the chair we are restrained to or regulated to suddenly finding yourself in an adventure like visiting a CRACK hotel in downtown LA and feeling like that was home. I really have to tell you about that one if I remember to sometime. Another one that comes to mind is being 11 years old in a control box (underground) which was about 4′X4′X3′ with a steel cover where I sought refuge from the demons chasing me, almost bought it on that one you know railroad tracks, fast big trains.

Now trains, I spent a lot of my childhood on hopping freight trains around the country because I was a bad kid and to see if my parents would come and get me once I got caught,.. In the beginning they would but then I became the quest of many adult institutions because the police was told just to keep me. One time in Chanute Kansas I was driven to the river and told to get the hell out of dodge, meaning this was on the border of Missouri and walked over the bridge in to Missouri and caught a eastbound freight to Springfield and on and on and on it went as in of story at this moment. Should not remember stuff like that, I may end up medicated again.

Best just to give it up for now. High or low at this point? More low than high haven’t seen one of those since when?

The sunsetting over Aspen Colorado taken Fall 2007

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

2010-06-14 Monday

A Nice Guy — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 22:46:33 +0000

Now I call tell ya that I am leaving the slump and am headed up hill. The pain has eased and the demons are asleep. I feel as I can see and that both eyes are open. This simple statement may seem a bit impractical but if this is you and you have been there you can realize just what I am saying. Good day at work, no real stumbling there a bit hard to motivate but was able to focus and be productive.

This is at the WAAAM museum in Hood River Oregon taken 2010-05-14

At the same time I am home trying to do some web cams and I am able to get a simple cam up and running, web site with simple programming, but then I have this IP cam that is giving me nothing but trouble and I can not finger it out. As with times like these the periods when I can do complex technical shit are few and far between but understanding as I may I still attempt it thus frustrating myself unmercifully. I may realize this is happening or three days later when I experience a moment of lucidness I realize I have spent 3 days doing nothing but spinning my wheels.

I will end on that note – keep reading, learn, live happy and share.

YES! Share. A note about that.

Do You Like The Pictures? Do You Want More? email me and let me know bipolarguy@bipolardiary.com or write it in my comments.

2010-06-11 Friday

A Nice Guy — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 04:18:41 +0000

I want to write. To write about what I am feeling, thinking and need. I really want to but it all seems so elusive like a needle in a hay stack . . . hell if it was a D9 caterpillar in that hay stack I would doubt I would be able to find even that. Get my drift? I can’t get the going. I feel as if my head is missing, medication is Crown and other illicit things.

This is Longs Peak in the Rocky Mountain range as seen from Denver CO taken 2010-06-09

When I get this way I really don’t have any idea who I am, do you know me. Probably many just like me and when it comes to names it really is insignificant. If you look into you will see that we are faceless a bunch of orbs lost in to nothingness. With this whine I really sense that here is no sense to it and pitiful if I may say so myself. I keep say that I have been in this cycle like an endless roller coaster that will not stop whizzing through the stop station at break neck speed did we really just buzz through there or maybe the action is slow that it just seems that way now that I think of it at the next bus stop just pull over and let me off.

Pleasant dreams.